Secret Sorrow
by eatsyourface
Summary: For a long time now, Healer has often thought of herself as nothing but a soldier. So, when a fellow soldier starts to experience horrible nightmares, Healer must open up her soul, in the hopes, that perhaps... she can save that person... and herself.
1. Secret Sorrow: Those Sleepless Nights

Do you know that these days I hardly ever get any sleep? I'm running on three or four hours per night. I'm not sick though. I promise. Princess Kakyuu would have my head if I were, and left it like this. 

I think you can tell that I am always tired in the mornings. I think you can see that I am hardly ever able to keep my eyes open during breakfast. We work together… so I think you can see that I just manage to run through all my duties, and that I am starting to need more and more rest in between breaks nowadays. 

You three know me so well. You know that I need over 10 hours sleep, otherwise I can't run properly. So you think that this annoys me. It really doesn't, you know. I don't mind. What I am doing makes all this tiredness worth it. Do you want to know the reason for all this? 

**Secret Sorrow – Those Sleepless Nights.**

~*~*~ 

_kanashimi no hontou no wake kikanaide tsuyoku dakishimeta _

tsuki akari kimi o terashite boku wa tada itoshisa tsunorase 

setsunakute nemurenai 

~*~*~ 

… You always scream at night. Loudly, at midnight when nobody is around to hear you. 

I am that one exception. I am the only person who can hear you. I am the only person who is awake at that time. I'm surprised, really, that it's me. Although, I would think that you would have made more effort to block me. You _know_ how powerful an empath I am. You _know_ that it would take another empath or one with an exceptionally strong will to block me. You _know_ that I have cultivated this talent for years; otherwise perhaps, I wouldn't be this strong so you _should_ know better then this. 

But… why me? Why am I the only one? Am I the _right_ person for this? Should I be the one there? 

Fighter… Nobody hears you when you scream and cry out for… they never hear you… I suppose, if you knew, you would be very glad. I don't dare ask, but I think that you subconsciously blocked yourself from the Princess, and from Maker. Otherwise, the Princess would've been the one there instead of me. You didn't want to worry her or Maker, or remind them of the past and so you blocked your cries from them. I haven't tried to see how strong the shield is, you could easily detect my presence, or you could just as easily realize that someone had tried to tamper with your shields. It obviously hasn't worked with me though, blocking. Remember? I'm too powerful for that. You do realize that locking it inside doesn't help, yes? You do realize that don't you. 

Honestly… I don't think that you do. But don't worry. I promise that I won't tell anybody of this, but only because I think that I can help you. And me helping you will spare you this humiliation. You don't like having this weakness. It's really sad. You're too 'macho,' too proud for your own good. I think you could almost make me laugh. Ha, you have strange ideas of how you should be seen. 

But, Fighter, are you aware of the fact that I know what you dream about? Are you aware of the fact that through these… sessions, so to speak, that I know everything about you? 

It's sad to say, but I know you more then you know yourself. 

---------- 

That very first time, when it started, I was jolted out of my sleep. One moment I was floating in a peaceful abyss, every muscle relaxed, and the next moment, I was pulled out of it. I'd sat up, I was gasping, and sweat poured out of my skin. I was breathing harshly, my chest rising and falling irregularly as I struggled to pull in air, and all I could think of was that loud, horrible scream. Occasionally, a whimper, or a cry would pull through, or another scream. Occasionally it would go on, and on, and on. I wondered why nobody else was awake, before; finally, the fact that this was a telepathic shout alerted me. I didn't know who it was then, though voice was familiar but I couldn't think, and so I didn't do anything. I did not get any sleep that night. 

---------- 

It happened several more times before I gave up. Three more nights in a row I was awoken, and left to lie awake in bed for the remainder of the night. The next time, I stayed up, curled in my arm chair with a book. I couldn't concentrate though, I was waiting for that time, and I was still weary. It started again, at around midnight. This time, I got up, focused my shields, shutting out everybody else, singling out that one person. Slowly, quietly, I followed those telepathic shrieks. I was walking; I'd passed Maker's chambers, when all of a sudden it hit me; whose voice that was. Whose voice that was so damn familiar. 

_Fighter…_

As I got closer and closer to you, those cries got louder and louder. Finally I stood outside your chambers, wondering what to do. I held an internal argument with myself, trying to decide my next course of action. Should I wake you up? Should I try to soothe you, and your dreams? Should I inform Kakyuu-sama? I discarded that final one, at first because I thought that you would not appreciate it. But, as I thought some more, I knew that this would be more beneficial for you. And... for some reason... I wanted to... 

Fighter, you were ever so proud. I stared at the door for a few more moments, before coming to my decision. I would tell Kakyuu-sama – but only if I myself was unable to do anything. My gift was empathy. I would use that to soothe you. 

And then... I stepped forward, and opened your door. 

~*~*~ 

_without asking for the true reason of sadness, I tightly held you _

the moon's light illuminated you I simply invited the love 

It's painful I can't sleep 

~*~*~ 

You screamed again tonight. I came again, and you were thrashing in your bed, muttering, cursing. You were trying desperately not to cry as the Princess left. You relived the Princess' last moments, her last words echoing in your mind. You… 

So, I do what I have done for all these nights, and I sit by your bed and I take you gently into my arms. You still move though, whimpering, but I'm careful, I'm gentle, and slowly, you're features calm down until you are sleeping properly. I don't leave though. If I do, you might start again. I have to make sure that they won't come back for the rest of the night. You never wake when I am here though. 

I know that Maker does not suffer from these nightmares, or I would've stayed with her as well. Why, is it just you? Why, after all those years do you still think back? Do you think that you are lacking, as our leader? Do you think that you failed your Princess? 

It's not fair, you know, for you to feel like that. It's not fair that you put yourself through all this. Maker and I do know. We were there with you. If anything, it should be either one of us. We were the ones that so easily lost hope during That Time. But you kept going, always striving towards our goal. You were the one that knew believing in supporting Sailor Moon, we were supporting our Princess. You never gave up at all, did you? 

Do you think that this is fair? Lying here now, in my arms, you sleep so peacefully. But I know, that it's not me that should be here. It's not fair. But I'm the only one who knows so… 

So you'll just have to deal with it. 

It won't matter, anyway. You won't remember a single thing in the morning. You never do. 

The results of my nightly activities are starting to show through though. I don't have anything to cover up the bags under my eyes, except for some make up. It works, but the Princess can still see what's wrong with me. She never asks what is wrong though. I don't let her. I know she worries, but when I smile at her, I send her my reassurances and… and I ask her not to worry, and so she averts her eyes. 

Even if I were to say anything, though, I think you would get very angry. I think that you'd show a cold face to the world over this, but inside you'd be mortified at your 'weakness'. You would be angry at me, for knowing about it and coming to you. 

You are this reason why I can never get more then a few hours of sleep every single night. 

You don't know that do you. 

---------- 

_When I am there, I very slowly lower myself onto your bed, and make myself comfortable. I could be there for a long while, and it would not do for me to get cramps. Then, I slowly, take you into my arms, and I might hum a lullaby or I might tell you a story, but when I do, I always project those feelings of reassurance. I would look into your dreams to see what worries you so but… I never like what... I see. Sometimes, after I go back to my bed, I cry myself to sleep._

---------- 

Dark space. Emptiness all around me. No sound, no wind, nothing. I turn around, and I see you, and Maker standing there. We don't say anything for a while; we just stare at each other. I wonder vaguely if the two of you are real, and, so I lean forward. I feel so relieved when my hands touch solid flesh. But, it's scary here, though. So lonely, so strange, so... quiet... It's so silent... Your lips are starting to move, but no matter what I do I can't hear what you are saying. You are obviously repeating yourself, now, and judging by Maker's reaction, she can't hear a word either. She mouths a word. 

'What?' Strange. I can't hear her either. Why? Why am I deaf to your voices? 

You say it again, your face getting more frantic. I can feel the desperation rolling off you in waves. Your eyes widen, and you raise a gloved hand pointing frantically behind me. I turn around, and gasp. 

Princess Kakyuu… 

She's there… 

Eagerly, I raise my own hands, my lips moving, calling her. No sound comes out! I keep trying, I keep shouting, but she's moving further and further away, her features look so sad! She looks so tired. I struggle to run after her… 

I feel you and Maker join me, struggling to chase after her. But still, no matter how much we try to call, she still moves away. 

Further… 

Further… 

"Kakyuu-sama! Where?! Kakyuu-sama! _Don't leave!!!"_

~*~*~ 

_End Verse _

End Chapter 


	2. Secret Sorrow: Your Silent Tears

**Secret Sorrow – Your Silent Tears.**

~*~*~ 

_itsu kara ka kizuite ita yo hitome no naka naite iru koto o _

kimi wa tada sabishikatta no? kono omoi hakanai yume na no? 

sore ijou iwanaide 

~*~*~ 

Its breakfast now and we're all up. I just sit there though, staring into my tea and Maker remarks, almost casually if doing so will reveal the universes' secrets. I shrug, almost dumbly though. I'm too tired to answer her. I wonder, if I should keep doing this. It helps you though, in a way that something else wouldn't. I think that with me there, the nightmares have become much easier to fight. I think that soon, you won't need me, and that I'll be able to get some proper sleep; that I'll be able to move on in my life instead of having to continue with… this. 

Do you know how much you owe me? 

It's… it's ok, I think. I'm doing this for a friend. One of my closest comrades. My teammate and leader. You shouldn't be obligated to feel that you 'owe me'. I feel at peace, during those times. When you lie in my arms, sleeping. You look so peaceful then, when you've calmed down. 

Your hair; you've taken to leaving it out when you sleep, for some reason. You used to always tie your hair back when you slept, braiding it, or tying it up so that it didn't go everywhere. If you didn't, it would've become incredibly knotty, and we all know how much you despise having to take the time to do something as mundane as your hair. Though, nowadays, you've started taking more care with your appearance, haven't you? These nights you let your hair out. It spreads out in my lap, the strands; they're so silky against my arms. It's lovely running my fingers through them. When it's a full moon, the light shines down on your face. So strange then. All shadow, but with a silver tint to it. How mysterious, the light playing across your features. How beautiful… 

"Healer…" says Kakyuu Princess gently. "Have you been getting enough sleep?" I sigh, and nod, even though it is obvious to us all that I am lying. 

"Princess… It's alright… I'll be fine…" I emphasize those words as I look at her, and she sighs, and nods, resuming her morning breakfast. There's paperwork to be done, and I'm to speak with Yuko today. There's a meeting with a foreign Princess from the Colonis Galaxy. We three are to attend as her guards. This will be a good chance to meet Sailor Colonis as well. 

~*~*~ 

_The fact that you were crying in a glimpse ; Just when did I realize it? _

Were you simply lonely? Is this feeling a fragile dream? 

Don't say anything more than that 

~*~*~ 

Your dreams are always so strong, your guilt so deep that it holds you under when you sleep. Making yourself remember is your way of reminding yourself that this must never happen again. If, there is ever a 'next time', you will be prepared. 

---------- 

When I come, it's always very dark. I can never see your face clearly enough. One night, I was so tired I lay down next to you. I started crying then. I remember whispering furiously into your hair, telling you how much I hated you, how much I resented you for putting me through this. I remember saying quite fiercely that you had no right to think that you were the only one who was there. When I finished crying, I wiped my eyes, and started saying to myself, what the Sailor Soldiers were doing? Those Soldiers with that brilliant shine. I wondered what they were doing, exactly what time it was there. To keep myself busy, I hummed part of Nagareboshi He. I love that song, but at the same time, I think I hate it. Back then… Back then, our voices, our music was our only hope of actually finding Kakyuu… of calling her to us. But, it wasn't the reason Kakyuu appeared. I cried that night she came back, when she was sleeping, and when you had told us to take care of her. I was very happy then. Maker was with me, and she held me, and she was crying too. I think that I can safely say it was the happiest time in my life. 

---------- 

I remember that day when Kakyuu died. I remember it so well because it was burned into my memory. I remember that painful feeling in my chest as she lay in your arms, smiling. I remember trying to say something, but my throat was too choked up. Nothing existed then but her. And her soft words, just before she left us. In my head, I was going 'No, no, no' over and over again. Then, this rage bubbled up inside me, and this hopelessness and I remember feeling helpless and lost. I felt as if a huge part of my soul was missing. My purpose in life ripped away like that, so soon after we had found her. 

We had to avenge our Princess… that one cut that we laid on Galaxia, puny as it was felt like a great victory, but it still wasn't enough because it was just a cut. Nobody else could've claimed that they'd hurt Galaxia, a part of me had thought as we watched her blood drip onto the floor. Later on, though, I realized that it was our desperation, and the fact that we had nothing to live for, and nothing to lose, that had given us that small chance. If Kakyuu-hime had still been alive… would we have been able to touch Galaxia? Perhaps. Desperation to protect Kakyuu-hime would've been enough motivation. 

---------- 

I remember the night you cried in your sleep. It was a clear night. The stars shone against the dark sky. There was no moon then so it was darker then usual, and there was a cool breeze. You were dreaming, as usual. It was the day Galaxia came to Kinmokusei. Thunder cracked, lighting flashed, the sky darkened. A feeling of gloom settled over our planet. Then they came, those corrupt citizens who had betrayed their own people for the sake of a Sailor Crystal. Shells of their former selves. Those anima-mates could never be Sailor Soldiers. They have no right, especially not now. There were anima-mates left and right and all around us people screamed and buildings collapsed. You were screaming out 'No! No!' I know, because I saw. I heard your anguished screams as her body faded away, your hope of our Princess drain like water from a sieve. 

I wonder. Would you kill me if you for invading your privacy like this? I think you would. You'd hate it if either of us stole it away like that. You'd hate it if any of us discovered this. 

I have to wonder. But then, I have to remember if those were my tears that fell onto your face as I relived it with you. I remember you crying, but, it could have easily just been me. You would never have dared, would you? 

I have to wonder again. If. 

I have to know… if you truly did cry. 

Or… was it just my imagination? 

---------- 

_Fighter… please tell me… was that you crying… or was it just my imagination?_

~*~*~ 

_End Verse _

End Chapter 


	3. Secret Sorrow: Those Hurtful Thoughts

**Secret Sorrow – Those Hurtful Thoughts.**

_~*~*~ _

ai sureba ai suru hodo tsuraku 

boku no omoi wa ikiba o nakushite 

dare mo ga ai o motomete iru no ni surechigau bakari 

kimi mo onaji kurai tsurakattan da ne 

~*~*~ 

It's a free day today. A public holiday on Kinmokusei. To commemorate the day the Planet returned to life. Nobody has to work at all. There are festivals held all over the planet. Today, the Princess and her Starlights mingled among the people of Kinmokusei. Later on, Princess Kakyuu would give a speech, but for now, nobody would notice if we had fun like normal people. 

I've stopped wearing skirts and dresses now. It'd be rather inconvenient if we were somehow recognized, and someone decided to attack us. 

I still feel very tired, but the fresh air and the sunshine are wonderful. Princess Kakyuu is having a wonderful time as usual. Your eyes sparkle when you watch her, you know. They shine, full of happiness and love. I have to wonder… 

Princess Kakyuu looks very beautiful. Her hair isn't in its usual style, today, it has just been tied back loosely with a ribbon. She's wearing a simple dress that brings out her features well. 

I laugh suddenly, as I hear a stall owner shout for customers. 

"Charms! Buy your love charms hear! Win your true love with this love charm! It's guaranteed to produce results!" I decide to indulge myself. 

"Perhaps I'll meet my true love with this," I say lightly. The stall owner grins. Smirking at Maker's raised eyebrow I slip the charm into my pocket, toss my hair and move on slightly ahead. You've offered your arm to Kakyuu Princess like a gentleman, leaving Maker and me free. The two of us carefully forge a path through the crowd, moving here and there, clearing a space. Almost synchronized, the way we move. 

"Do you think those work?" wonders Maker aloud. I blink. 

"… Miss Rei had sold those. If anything, it's not an impossibility. Considering what exists in this day and age, a love charm should be nothing." Maker shrugs. 

"What are you supposed to do with it?" I blink again, and take out the slip of paper to look at it. There's a simple sketch of an umbrella, one that's reminiscent of a custom on Earth. 

"… I'm not sure. I think I'm supposed to write somebody's name on one side of the handle, and my name on the other, and then bury it or burn it." I shrug. 

_~*~*~ _

If I love, I'll be hurting as much as I love 

My thoughts have lost their life 

Even though everyone wishes for love, they keep on passing by each other 

You are the same It's painful isn't it? 

~*~*~ 

I started watching you a while back. I know it was when we were on Earth. The specific time… I think it was when you fell in love with Tsukino Usagi. That Earth girl, that unlikely heroine. I wondered what was so special about her, why she was the second person to make you smile like that. The first… I understood. But not her. And so, I started to watch the two of you, to see what was so extraordinary. I knew, though, that Usagi's heart belonged to another. It was in her eyes, that sadness, the pain of being apart from the one that she loved. That look had showed on your face as well, when we had been searching for Kakyuu. I think it still shows up occasionally. 

I often wondered why you continued to persist in trying to gain her affections. Didn't you know that she wasn't in love with you? Didn't have you an obligation? A duty to fulfill? Wasn't your heart already gone? 

Such a sad person you were then, drifting out there, all alone. So easily hurt. I hated you then for abandoning our Princess like that. For forgetting her so easily. I truly hated you for that. 

Do you know the mistakes that people make over love? Really, it's almost sad. 

They never notice the fact that the person who they belong with is right… right in front of them. 

Fighter, I know what those looks mean. I often wonder though, if Princess Kakyuu does as well. 

It's sad, isn't it? 

---------- 

Hey, Seiya. 

… Seiya… 

Strange, I haven't called you by your birth name in years. With Maker as well. The day I became Sailor Star Healer, I started thinking of myself as that person. As Healer. I forgot Yaten. I think of myself as part of that unit, The Sailor Starlights. I always have, for a long time. Come to think of it, I have never thought of myself as a person, except when in the presence of Kakyuu-sama. 

Nowadays, whenever I have a scrap of time for myself, I walk the streets. I try to be just an average citizen of Kinmokusei for a few hours. 

You know of my abilities. During the Galaxia years, I had to… close it. Imagine a room, as my mind, with an open door, signifying that empathic ability. I had to have a… security door there. I could stand at the door, and look out but I'd still be safe from everything outside. That's what I had to do. If I'd let my mind remain open during those years, I would surely have broken down from the stress, and the pain received. Recovering would have lost us precious time. And so, I forced myself to detach myself from everything. I felt all those stars die, and I was sad, but at the same time, it was like watching a movie. I could sympathize but at the same time, I didn't care. 

But, when Kakyuu appeared, the sun came out, driving the rain away, and I could open the security door, and step out. And when she died, it started raining again, and the door closed on me. I was left standing out there, cold, shivering, and blind to everything but the fact that Princess – no, Queen… was gone. Don't get me wrong though. Even if I had known that Galaxia would finally gain Kakyuu's Sailor Crystal, I still wouldn't have detached myself. I would experience everything with my Princess, be it joy, or anger, or… death. After that one triumphant moment where we cut Galaxia, my senses came back to me, and I looked to Sailor Moon, like you did. I placed my hope and faith in her. The door opened up for me again, and I stepped back in, but the security door shut and locked itself. 

However… It's been years already. Years since Galaxia nearly succeeded in taking over the galaxy, in destroying life. Even when Kakyuu came back to us, the block didn't lift itself. I remember feeling the delirious happiness, but, at the same time, wondering if this was short-lived. If in fact this was this end and because I couldn't stop wondering, it never left me. 

It's alright when I'm around all of you though. 

The sun shines, but there are still some clouds out. They'll leave yet. 

---------- 

_"It's not working. I can't feel her. Are we doing the right thing? How do we even know if she's still alive?" _

"How… can you say that?!" 

"Too easily Fighter. Too easily." 

~*~*~ 

_End Verse _

End Chapter 


End file.
